Kids need to learn healthy conflict resolution so they can control their emotions when they experience conflict with others. We can talk to our kids about the importance of healthy conflict resolution, but it is better to lead by example and model it to them. Here are some ways to teach your kids how to handle conflict well.
Engage in Active Listening
If you’re disagreeing with your child, don’t interrupt him as he expresses his opinions. Be an active listener and listen to understand how your child feels about the issue at hand. This doesn’t mean that you condone his actions or give in to his demands. It means that you’re willing to hear his viewpoints before you respond with your opinions.
Apologize to Your Kids
If you accused your kid of something he didn’t do, or if you yelled harsh words at him out of frustration, apologize for your actions. Sincere apologies and changes in behavior are a part of healthy conflict. When you do this, you teach your child the importance of taking accountability for the role he plays in conflict as an adult.
Avoid Shaming and Yelling
Another aspect of resolving conflict is keeping your emotions in check. Avoid shaming your child, yelling, and tearing him down with disrespectful names. This causes your child to shut down emotionally and the problem never gets solved. Instead, cool off for a few hours until you’re ready to discuss the issue at hand.
Look for Ways to Solve Problems Together
Find ways to solve problems with your child to improve your relationship with him. You want your child to manage his time better and be more motivated to study but your child has attention issues and gets bored with tedious tasks. Maybe you can let him listen to relaxing music while he studies and he can have short brain breaks. Your child may agree to at least one hour of study time every day. You can create a visual schedule he can follow throughout the week.
Maintain a Calm But Firm Attitude
So your child is acting out and not in control of his emotions because you said no to his requests. You should maintain a calm but firm attitude with your child and not let his actions cause you to lose self-control. Let him know that while you understand why he’s upset about your answer, it is not okay for him to be disrespectful and not control his emotions.
Model Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a vital skill in healthy conflict resolution and here are some ways to model it for your kids. If your child treated his friend unfairly, speak up and state your concerns. Discuss why you feel his actions were wrong and suggest ways he can work things out with his friend. Or if your child is being unfairly treated by his teacher, teach him how to advocate for himself in this situation with respect.
Forgive Your Child
Extend forgiveness after you have enforced the consequences of your child’s actions and discussed the issue with him. Forgiveness is important for your child because it shows him that you’re putting the past behind you and you’re working on rebuilding your relationship with your child.
Teach Them How to Disagree Respectfully
Kids need to learn how to disagree respectfully so they can build solid communication skills. Talk about the importance of understanding others’ perspectives and that you may have a different opinion. It doesn’t mean that you disrespect the other person because you disagree with him.
Teach Your Child to Set Boundaries With Others
Sometimes, your child will encounter situations where conversations won’t solve the problem. In these cases, your child may need to set boundaries with certain people to maintain their sanity and keep conflicts from worsening. Tell your child it’s okay to end bad friendships and dating relationships that are not right for him. This is an example of setting boundaries.
Get To the Root of the Conflict
It’s also helpful to get to the root of the conflict to solve the problem with your child. If your child is moody and anxious, and it’s a few days before he takes the state standardized tests, this is probably why. Ask him what makes him nervous about the tests and how you can help him prepare for them.
Explain Why Certain Rules Exist
Your child should know why you have certain rules for the home. If you have a rule where your child can’t use his devices until after he completes his homework and chores, tell him that you established this rule because you want him to manage his time properly and to focus on activities that will help him become a more responsible and mature adult.
Teach Him How to Calm Down
Some conflicts will cause anger in your child, and you can teach him to calm down by controlling your own emotions during conflicts with your spouse or other loved ones. If your spouse says something that gets you upset, tell him that you will take a break from the argument until you’re calm enough to continue the discussion. Your child can also go to his room and cool off if he gets in an argument with you or his siblings.
Express Your Needs Directly
Instead of hiding your needs or getting resentful when your needs aren’t met, express your needs directly to your child. If you want your child to improve in how he maintains his room and take more initiative in contributing to household tasks, sit with your child and have a conversation about it. Don’t choose a time when both of you are upset or busy.
When parents model and teach proper conflict resolution skills, kids are more likely to excel at this skill. Don’t rush to solve conflicts your kids have with siblings, friends, and teachers. When you step in too frequently, they won’t learn to do it independently. However, you can offer guidance to help them improve in this area.